The best version of myself might be around the corner but I can’t get to that corner simply because I don’t wish to. It’s hard being good & it’s much easier to be your shitty self – people leave you alone when you’re your most shitty self. They stop relying on you and you stop letting them down. You proudly announce to the world that this is you – you’re flawed and you accept it. Except I don’t think they’re flaws – I think they’re choices, choices that pave the road to the procrastination station. Being good takes work, it takes courage, it takes dedication. The world is too cruel of a place for our goodness to come effortlessly. Kindness is hard and scary, it comes with a lifetime guarantee of disappointment and loss. ‘Not today buddy’, you hear your insides scream – ‘not in this decade’. You are constantly in battle with yourself, wishing nothing but honesty and trust but constantly tiptoeing in the devil’s territory – wishing to understand his ways. You’re constantly hating yourself and loving yourself simultaneously. Clinging to the insides of your head, desperately wishing to be heard and not saying a word. Letting people down is the easiest thing we could do, that’s why we all do it. You’re surely but quietly sinking into melancholy. You’re your worst enemy, no one else matters.
I used to think that people just happened- that they woke up one day and recognized the person they were supposed to be and went for it. I used to think that as we grew up we would learn the ways of the world and would eventually fall in sync with it. How did we become so confused? When did we become so weak? So pained with fatigue of a life unknown – a life so innocent and pure for it has not seen the burdens of time. We think we know everything – but we don’t, we know nothing, and as we spend more hours on this earth we find ourselves losing our beliefs – forgetting our ways – forgetting the difference between right and wrong. We begin forgetting simple concepts of humanity, treatment, friendship, and love. We forget simple manners such as how to be gentle with people, how to be civil, how to be graceful. Life doesn’t teach us how to communicate with one another, it teaches us how to tear each other apart. It rarely ever succeeds in portraying the human kindness in others; rarely does it provide us with the ability to move forward. Though its beauty cannot be debated its bitterness is also as illuminating. As we go through it, life carefully but willfully attempts assassinations at any sincerity or dignity we may possess. It plays with us a bitter game of hide & seek, and we always seem to be looking and searching for a purpose, a sense of truth, and a sense of belonging, because at the end of the day all we want is to belong. The truth is we’re all lonely, we’re all empty, and we’re all searching for souls to help us pass the time- to fill the indescribable void that fills our souls. All we really want are distractions – distraction after distraction, we meet and greet strangers who possess nothing but their own burdens, their own demons, and their own heartache. We quickly disregard their needs as we try to obtain them as disposable beings that are only there to keep us numb, keep us safe, and keep us vague. Then there comes a time when we have a unique opportunity to look back and wonder what went wrong. Where did we mess up? When did we decide to become immune to the art, to the passion, to the unexplainable feeling in our chest that tells us that the moment is here, the moment is now, what are we waiting for? When did we shy away from adventure, from culture, from creation? When did our lives become good enough and our schedules so organized? How come we didn’t know better? How come we didn’t fight harder? Today is the day to fight.